When I started this blog a
year ago, I labeled my initial posts “Leap of Faith.” This title was totally appropriate because I
was struggling with major disillusionment.
I had glimpsed the world from a perspective that vastly contradicted
views I had held for much of my entire life.
I was confused, scared, manically suffering from anxiety and depression,
manically overwhelmed and underwhelmed, and completely unsure of almost anything. The only tangible feeling that was consistent
enough to give me any sense of balance was that I had stumbled onto something
big, a mystery that my heart longed to unravel.
In my original blog post I referred to this feeling by declaring that “Every
single one of us as human beings want or are looking for something, and we
don't really know what that thing is.”
At the time I knew very little about this thing that was tugging on my
heart strings, and frankly, one year later I have accumulated far more new questions
than answers.
At the time of my first post, I assumed that my “Leap of Faith” was my terrifying decision to leave the comfort and complacency of my home, my friends, family, and steady source of income to explore parts of the country I had never visited, be amongst different (albeit only slightly) cultures of people, to see new landscapes, and experience life as a traveler. What I didn’t know at the time and have come to understand is that my real “Leap of Faith” was collapsing, unlearning, and dismantling my entire belief system. While this process was (and continues to be) terrifying and undeniably uncomfortable, collapsing the old paradigms has allowed me to align my perception with Truth in a more tangible way. Truth cannot be destroyed.
In my original post, I made the following statement:
I would like to clarify that I only truly believe three things. One: Every single one of us as human beings perceives the world differently and has a unique life experience. Two: Every single one of us as human beings want or are looking for something, and we don't really know what that thing is. We may believe that if we accomplish this, or get that, or have this experience that we'll be FINALLY be happy... but we won't. Cover it up all you want with money, drugs, sex, religion, politics, relationships, entertainment, material things, but something will always be missing. There will always be a natural discomfort... unless you can figure out what that thing is and unite with it to be complete. Three: That thing is totally obtainable for every single person on the earth. Doubtless, many already have.
Truly, this statement was incomplete,
although not incorrect. But it created a
foundation for my perception to expand.
Little did I know that by writing those words I was launching massive
changes to my perception.
While traveling in early 2014 my disillusionment grew with each passing day, each passing city, each passing experience. While anxiety and depression continued to plague me psychologically, I seldom had the time or energy to be bothered by them. This was in part because traveling is a full time, interactive experience. You’re constantly trying to figure out where you’re going and how you’re going to get there with very little knowledge about the area. Where are you going to sleep tonight? Where are you going to get your next meal? Where are you going to go if you have to use the bathroom? There’s just no time for anxiety and depression. And that, perhaps, is a major reason that I was able to somehow separate myself from those feelings and begin to learn to work with them.
With each drastic change in location, my internal landscape experienced an equally drastic shift. For the first time in many years, I became highly skeptical of my intellectual mind. I was paying attention to my intuitive feelings and giving my emotional responses validity. I no longer associated my intellectual mind as being my Seat of Consciousness, but nor could I entirely depend on intuition. This is how I began to form a relationship with what I call my Higher Self Aspect. This is a partially spiritual, partially psychological concept, and let me stress that this is only a concept, or a way of talking about a thing. I know that many other folks out there have similar (or completely different) ideas and understandings that are equally valid. It’s important to me that everyone understand that I am describing my perspective, not declaring something to be true. When I am making a declaration of Truth, you’ll know it.
The Higher Self Aspect, as I
have come to know it, is the essence of one’s True Self in the psychological
landscape. The Higher Self Aspect does
not experience fear, judgment, anger, or resentment. It does not suffer from trauma, abandonment, self-loathing,
or jealousy. The Higher Self Aspect’s
only attributes are Compassion, Curiosity and Love. It is the Aspect of me that transcends
duality and is connected to the Source of Creation. It is the best version of me that has ever
existed or will ever exist. And it is
from this wonderful Aspect of my Self that I started to collapse everything I
had ever known, to undo all agreements, and destroy every bit of the internal
structure I had spent my short lifetime building, because instead of building
on a foundation of love, I had been building on a foundation of fear.
It’s hard to grasp in
totality the concept of the Higher Self Aspect without also discussing the
Ego. Without going into too much detail,
I will try to briefly describe my perception of the Human Egoic Consciousness. The Ego is a powerful intellectual “program”
that is dominantly motivated by self-preservation. It has been hugely effective in the survival
and procreation of our species. We can
thank the intellectual Ego Brain for its service to our current mastery of
technology, psychology, physiology, agriculture and language. However, because self-preservation is the
Ego’s highest tenet, it thrives on controversy, conflict, and competition. The Ego embraces moral relativism and social
Darwinism, enjoys participating in the cutthroat activities of capitalism and the
social pecking order, and becomes violently infuriated if it thinks it’s been
cheated or lied to in any way. The Ego
is self-righteous, uncaring and self-absorbed.
It is based in the intellectual mind with no understanding of any
emotional or intuitive information, and cannot fully comprehend concepts like
beauty, love, and empathy. It is often
jealous of the love and compassion embodied in the Higher Self Aspect, and may attempt
to find ways to synthesize these qualities through manipulation and
coercion. Left unchecked, the Ego can
manifest unethical and even psychopathic behavior patterns. Once upon a time, when my Ego was in complete
control of my psychological landscape, these harmful, competitive,
manipulative, coercive actions were MY actions.
Over time as I continue to work with my emotional energies, my Ego has
begrudgingly relinquished some control of my seat of Consciousness, making way
for my Higher Self Aspect to govern my thoughts, actions and emotions. I am not suppressing my Ego, or trying to get
rid of it, because as I have said, the Ego is a fantastically useful piece of
intellectual equipment. But in order to
find true balance, I realized, the Ego must operate in reverence of the Higher
Self.
If this information resonates
with anyone, please message me. I would
be more than happy to direct you to some guided meditations for engaging your
Higher Self Aspect and minimizing the Ego.
From the mind blowing
revelations I have just shared with you, and numerous others, my leap began to
feel less like a fall. It began to feel
more like I was gliding, gracefully and purposefully descending to a place of
grounding. This brings me to the next
chapter in my journey, and the next chapter in this blog: “Flight of
Knowledge.” This is the last post I will
be writing under the label “Leap of Faith,” as I feel this chapter has been
closing for some time, and that I’m well into the next chapter already. My first post for this new chapter is already
underway and I hope that I will be able to share it with you all soon.
As always, thank you for
reading, thank you for loving, and thank you for your participation in our
shared experience. With love and
gratitude, Namaste.
-SB
