Transitioning from Fall to Flight

Dear Friends, Family and Fellow Truth-Seekers, 

When I started this blog a year ago, I labeled my initial posts “Leap of Faith.”  This title was totally appropriate because I was struggling with major disillusionment.  I had glimpsed the world from a perspective that vastly contradicted views I had held for much of my entire life.  I was confused, scared, manically suffering from anxiety and depression, manically overwhelmed and underwhelmed, and completely unsure of almost anything.  The only tangible feeling that was consistent enough to give me any sense of balance was that I had stumbled onto something big, a mystery that my heart longed to unravel.  In my original blog post I referred to this feeling by declaring that “Every single one of us as human beings want or are looking for something, and we don't really know what that thing is.”  At the time I knew very little about this thing that was tugging on my heart strings, and frankly, one year later I have accumulated far more new questions than answers. 

At the time of my first post, I assumed that my “Leap of Faith” was my terrifying decision to leave the comfort and complacency of my home, my friends, family, and steady source of income to explore parts of the country I had never visited, be amongst different (albeit only slightly) cultures of people, to see new landscapes, and experience life as a traveler.  What I didn’t know at the time and have come to understand is that my real “Leap of Faith” was collapsing, unlearning, and dismantling my entire belief system.  While this process was (and continues to be) terrifying and undeniably uncomfortable, collapsing the old paradigms has allowed me to align my perception with Truth in a more tangible way.  Truth cannot be destroyed. 

In my original post, I made the following statement:

I would like to clarify that I only truly believe three things.  One: Every single one of us as human beings perceives the world differently and has a unique life experience.  Two: Every single one of us as human beings want or are looking for something, and we don't really know what that thing is.  We may believe that if we accomplish this, or get that, or have this experience that we'll be FINALLY be happy...  but we won't.  Cover it up all you want with money, drugs, sex, religion, politics, relationships, entertainment, material things, but something will always be missing.  There will always be a natural discomfort...  unless you can figure out what that thing is and unite with it to be complete.  Three: That thing is totally obtainable for every single person on the earth.  Doubtless, many already have. 

Truly, this statement was incomplete, although not incorrect.  But it created a foundation for my perception to expand.  Little did I know that by writing those words I was launching massive changes to my perception. 

 
While traveling in early 2014 my disillusionment grew with each passing day, each passing city, each passing experience.  While anxiety and depression continued to plague me psychologically, I seldom had the time or energy to be bothered by them.  This was in part because traveling is a full time, interactive experience.  You’re constantly trying to figure out where you’re going and how you’re going to get there with very little knowledge about the area.  Where are you going to sleep tonight?  Where are you going to get your next meal?  Where are you going to go if you have to use the bathroom?  There’s just no time for anxiety and depression.  And that, perhaps, is a major reason that I was able to somehow separate myself from those feelings and begin to learn to work with them.
 
With each drastic change in location, my internal landscape experienced an equally drastic shift.  For the first time in many years, I became highly skeptical of my intellectual mind.  I was paying attention to my intuitive feelings and giving my emotional responses validity.  I no longer associated my intellectual mind as being my Seat of Consciousness, but nor could I entirely depend on intuition.  This is how I began to form a relationship with what I call my Higher Self Aspect.  This is a partially spiritual, partially psychological concept, and let me stress that this is only a concept, or a way of talking about a thing.  I know that many other folks out there have similar (or completely different) ideas and understandings that are equally valid.  It’s important to me that everyone understand that I am describing my perspective, not declaring something to be true.  When I am making a declaration of Truth, you’ll know it. 

The Higher Self Aspect, as I have come to know it, is the essence of one’s True Self in the psychological landscape.  The Higher Self Aspect does not experience fear, judgment, anger, or resentment.  It does not suffer from trauma, abandonment, self-loathing, or jealousy.  The Higher Self Aspect’s only attributes are Compassion, Curiosity and Love.  It is the Aspect of me that transcends duality and is connected to the Source of Creation.  It is the best version of me that has ever existed or will ever exist.  And it is from this wonderful Aspect of my Self that I started to collapse everything I had ever known, to undo all agreements, and destroy every bit of the internal structure I had spent my short lifetime building, because instead of building on a foundation of love, I had been building on a foundation of fear. 

It’s hard to grasp in totality the concept of the Higher Self Aspect without also discussing the Ego.  Without going into too much detail, I will try to briefly describe my perception of the Human Egoic Consciousness.  The Ego is a powerful intellectual “program” that is dominantly motivated by self-preservation.  It has been hugely effective in the survival and procreation of our species.  We can thank the intellectual Ego Brain for its service to our current mastery of technology, psychology, physiology, agriculture and language.  However, because self-preservation is the Ego’s highest tenet, it thrives on controversy, conflict, and competition.  The Ego embraces moral relativism and social Darwinism, enjoys participating in the cutthroat activities of capitalism and the social pecking order, and becomes violently infuriated if it thinks it’s been cheated or lied to in any way.  The Ego is self-righteous, uncaring and self-absorbed.  It is based in the intellectual mind with no understanding of any emotional or intuitive information, and cannot fully comprehend concepts like beauty, love, and empathy.  It is often jealous of the love and compassion embodied in the Higher Self Aspect, and may attempt to find ways to synthesize these qualities through manipulation and coercion.  Left unchecked, the Ego can manifest unethical and even psychopathic behavior patterns.  Once upon a time, when my Ego was in complete control of my psychological landscape, these harmful, competitive, manipulative, coercive actions were MY actions.  Over time as I continue to work with my emotional energies, my Ego has begrudgingly relinquished some control of my seat of Consciousness, making way for my Higher Self Aspect to govern my thoughts, actions and emotions.  I am not suppressing my Ego, or trying to get rid of it, because as I have said, the Ego is a fantastically useful piece of intellectual equipment.  But in order to find true balance, I realized, the Ego must operate in reverence of the Higher Self. 

If this information resonates with anyone, please message me.  I would be more than happy to direct you to some guided meditations for engaging your Higher Self Aspect and minimizing the Ego.

 

From the mind blowing revelations I have just shared with you, and numerous others, my leap began to feel less like a fall.  It began to feel more like I was gliding, gracefully and purposefully descending to a place of grounding.  This brings me to the next chapter in my journey, and the next chapter in this blog: “Flight of Knowledge.”  This is the last post I will be writing under the label “Leap of Faith,” as I feel this chapter has been closing for some time, and that I’m well into the next chapter already.  My first post for this new chapter is already underway and I hope that I will be able to share it with you all soon. 

As always, thank you for reading, thank you for loving, and thank you for your participation in our shared experience.  With love and gratitude, Namaste.

 

-SB

From August 29, 2014 - Cultivating Holistic Context at Autumn Equinox

This is a copy of message that I sent out four weeks before Autumn Equinox.  At the time I wasn't ready to make some of these thoughts completely available to everyone, so I sent it only to certain people that I was comfortable being vulnerable with.  However, as I continue on, it becomes more and more important for me to "own" my perspective and to be careful not to suppress it out of fear.  I post this now with love, because even though we are now becoming entangled in the thick of winter, I believe this wisdom continues to be relevant.  With love and gratitude.
-SB

Hello friends.  As I travel on my spiritual journey, I often see or experience mystic patterns that arouse my enthusiasm, that I want to share with others, but that are a little too “out there” to share on any sort of mainstream social media.  There are many that I love and with whom I have wonderful relationships, but that do not embrace, or even acknowledge, a spiritual path.  I find no fault with them for this.  After all, the experience of every single soul is legitimate, and a diversity of perspectives, ideas and lifestyles is one of the beautiful things about being a part of the human species.  In the last several months I have had wonderful conversations about spirituality with almost all of you included in this thread.  You might say that I have been quietly developing my practice, sporadically bouncing ideas off of one of you or another, momentarily enjoying connection and vulnerability, before closing the curtain and retreating into solitude.  You who are included in this thread are the open minded seekers, and with each of you I feel some connection.  In this message I wish to share something with you all.

Summer is coming to a close.  Autumn is coming.  It is a time of transition.  On September 21^st the Earth’s axis will be exactly perpendicular to the Sun, and the hours of day will be equal to the hours of night.  On the 8 Shields Model, our planet and all the species she harbors will be in the western quadrant, a time of abundance, a time to be of service and a time of celebration.  And for those practicing Kabbalah, it is a time for a very important spiritual ritual: the annual pruning of the Tree of Life.

It was Kabbalah and the Tree of Life that helped me to understand the importance of autumn and the transition that occurs during this time.  My mentor explained this process to me one year ago: in the summer, when the Sun is brightest, we are full of energy, full of ambition, full of love, full of hope, full of life.  Our frequencies are naturally higher, and our spiritual connection to the Earth and all her wonders are more tangible.  The brightness can be so intense that it’s blinding, giving us the opportunity to grow outside of ourselves.  Many of us feel the most optimistic and the most powerful during the summer months, fed by the radiant energy of the Sun. 

As we approach the end of these euphoric summer months, we start to feel a decline in our spiritual connectedness.  Many of us become disheartened, some of us experience a subtle sadness, and others crash into outright depression.  The brightness ebbs, and in the dimmed light, we begin to see things with new clarity.  Our weaknesses and sorrows and frustrations, which were outshone in the summer Sun, begin to come back into focus.  It is a cycle that occurs year after year as we resist the evaporation of the blithe of summer.  This is why the ritual of the pruning of the Tree of Life is so important.  

I am only vaguely familiar with the mystical teachings of Kabbalah, and I do not claim to have an understanding of the various branches of the Tree of Life.  But I do recognize and have a deep appreciation for the way the mystics take advantage of this time of transition.  This is an opportunity to see ourselves and aspects of our lives with profound clarity.  Take some time to look back over the last year and the direction that your life is taking.  Be honest with yourself about how you feel about the decisions you’ve made.  Take this opportunity to see yourself in this moment with absolute clarity.  And make the decision NOW about the direction you want your life to take.  Decide for yourself what is working and what’s not.  Decide NOW what will be pruned away and what you will cultivate. 

As I said, I first did this exercise for the first time one year ago.  It was one year ago that I made the firm decision to prune away my job in the restaurant business and cultivate a different path.  It was one year ago that I decided to cultivate my own spirituality, and prune away contrary agreements that I had carried around for years.   That’s not to say that my entire life changed overnight.  Over the last year I have made many mistakes, risen from and fallen back into bad habits, lost my way, doubted myself and my decisions, and even almost given up.  But one year later, and as I prepare once again to prune my tree, I can look back with pride and see just how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown, and how much more fulfilling my life has been since I performed this ritual. 

I share this with you all for two reasons.  Firstly, this is part of my pruning ritual this year.  I want to prune away my spiritual disconnection from other people and cultivate spiritual connectedness.  I admit that I have been ashamed of my spirituality.  I have been secretive and hidden it because I have been afraid of being judged, misunderstood and criticized.  It is my intent to prune away the fear and shame.  I will instead encourage myself to be vulnerable with those I can trust, and cultivate spiritual community with similarly open minded spiritual seekers.  Secondly, I know that many folks on the spiritual path are sensitive to energies, both emotional and planetary, and I hope that this ritual may be as helpful to others as it was to me.

Thank you to all of you on this thread.  Thank you for your openness, your love, your enthusiasm, your vulnerability.  I thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable with you.  I invite you all to participate in the pruning of the Tree of Life ritual this coming Fall Equinox.  I invite any and all of you share with me and with each other what you intend to cultivate in the coming year.  With all the love in my heart, Namaste.

 
-SB

WWOOFing at Seabreeze Farms

A lot of folks have sent me messages asking various questions about how things are going on the farm and what sorts of things are going on here.  Here are some pictures I've taken.  There are pictures of the green houses, the pig shelters, the chicken and duck pens, the rabbit cages, the garden, the goat, and scenic views from the property.  I'll try to put together a more detailed description of farm life in the future.  But for now, enjoy these pictures!  The first picture is the trailer where I sleep....

On Vagabonding and Camping Alone

Friends and family, it has been a long time since I last posted.  In fact, I don't think I've posted anything since I've been in California.  Let me tell you, it has been a journey.  I have been thrown completely out of my comfort zone just about every day.  Some of it has been really good.  I've gotten to spend time with people that I almost never get to see.  I've gotten to experience their worlds and enjoy the comfort of their company.  I have gotten to see the universal message of love and how they interact with it in their lives.  I have also met and interacted with literally HUNDREDS of strangers, many of them living hollow lives, unhappy, fearful, anxious, angry, and neglected.  San Diego, hands down, has the highest homeless population of any city I've ever seen.  As a vagrant and a vagabond myself, when I look upon these poor souls, their pain mirrors my pain.  I have learned a lot from being a 'prince among vagrants.'  Having a healthy amount of savings to rely on, I have never had to worry about resources.  Transportation, lodging, food, clean water...all a credit card swipe away.  Most of the 'poor souls' I've encountered are literally living their lives at the whim of life.  I've honestly experienced an irrational self loathing at my own situation: total freedom without fear of wanting for resources.  But I can't dwell on this for too long.  Everyone is having the experience they're having for a reason (including me), and I respect the path of the true vagrant as the path he has decided to travel.  I have no desire to fight the system, and it would be hypocritical for me to criticize the vagrant for his lack of motivation to improve his situation.  It's simply a reminder that the longer I travel and let my savings wane, the closer I come to truly knowing what it means to be in the hands of the universe.

A few of the souls I've met on the road have been incredible people, folks that I miraculously met when I needed an ally.  People that I met only briefly, but that I know I will keep be in touch with for the rest of my life.  People who are trying to see the bigger picture that I'm trying to see it.

I didn't plan to go deep into philosophy or higher meaning in this post, so I'd like to circle back around to what I had planned to share.  As many of you know, I'll be heading to Seabreeze Farms tomorrow to begin my month long WWOOFing experience.  If you don't know what WWOOF is, check out www.wwoof.org.  I may have limited access to phone, email, Facebook, etc. while on the farm, so, since this blog post is already three weeks late, I wanted to share it with you now in case I can't do it later.

I had an old contract with myself to spend some time by myself from awhile back.  I had no plans for my birthday really.  I was on the west coast, no farming opportunities beating down the doors, no real obligations of any kind.  My first thought was Tijuana.  After all, what sounds more bad ass than spending your birthday in Tijuana?!  Okay, how about alone?  Didn't sound like a lot of fun.  Okay, so I'm going to be alone on my birthday.  What would you do?  Camping.  :)  I was staying with a good friend, Sandy, in San Diego at the time, and as a former employee of REI, she had a TON of camping gear to offer me should I decide to spend a week roughing it with Mother Nature.  It took me almost two whole days of looking at camping sites and state parks and bus lines and this-that-and-the-other before I concluded to camp on Catalina Island. 

Catalina Island (thank you Wikipedia): Santa Catalina Island, often called Catalina Island, or just Catalina, is a rocky island off the coast of the U.S. state of California in the Gulf of Santa Catalina. The island is 22 miles (35 km) long and 8 miles (13 km) across at its greatest width. The island is located about 22 miles (35 km) south-southwest of Los Angeles, California. The highest point on the island is 2,097 feet (639 m) Mt. Orizaba. Part of the Channel Islands of California archipelago, Santa Catalina lies within Los Angeles County.

It was quite the adventure.  I left San Diego at 5:30 a.m. on Monday, March 3rd, bussed, trained, taxied, and finally ferried my way to Avalon, the only thing big enough to be considered a city on Catalina Island.  From Avalon I took a bus to the Airport in the Sky, a tiny airport in the central mountains of Catalina Island.  From the airport, it was a long, strenuous six mile hike with all my gear to the camp site at Little Harbor.  But once I was there, I was in an introvert's paradise.  I was the only person to camp at the Little Harbor camp grounds for the four nights I was there.  There was literally no one around for miles. 

I had some pretty critical experiences at Little Harbor, mostly internally.  I had never before achieved the kind of meditative clarity I did over those few days, and the things I learned about myself while I was out there are still coming into focus, some of them very slowly.  Ironically, I read and wrote very little while at Little Harbor, but I did write a few things which I'll share with you here.

TOP TEN REASONS CAMPING ALONE IS AWESOME:

1)  No one can tell you that you're building the fire wrong.  (I am man, man creates fire.  No one cares about tipi structure, or whatever.)
2)  No one is around to hear you singing (or see you dancing to) JT songs.
3)  No one is around to tell you it's too early to start drinking the rum.  (How the hell am I supposed to know what time it is anyway?)
4)  No one is around to be offended by your stench when you haven't showered for days.  (Which actually a plus because it deters the wildlife from coming near your campsite.)
5)  No one is around to tell you that the head lamp is not sexy.  (Because we're bringing sexy back, dammit.)
6)  The Port-O-John is always vacant.  (And if it's rancid, guess who's fault it is?)
7)  Every ranger that passes through thinks you're a badass for braving the wilderness on your own.
8)  No one is around to laugh AT you do something stupid (like step in buffalo shit).
9)  Say whatever ever you want, SCREAM whatever you at God, nature, life, etc.  The people that DON'T care are miles and miles away....
10)  You GET to face yourself, one-on-one, without intermediaries.

TOP TEN REASONS CAMPING ALONE SUCKS:

1)  No one to help carry the burden of food, clothing and equipment for the six mile hike to the campsite.
2)  No one to reassure you when you wake up from horrible nightmares induced by the foxes trying to get into your tent in the middle of the night.
3)  When something happens that defies physics, there's no one around to whom you can say, "Did you just see that shit?!"
4)  No one is impressed by your outdoor culinary skills...  And you eat alone.
5)  There's no one to snuggle with when it gets cold.
6)  There is no one with whom to share the brilliant sunsets, sunrises, stars, and moons.
7)  No matter how hard you try, words and pictures will never do the experience justice.
8)  No one is around to laugh WITH you when you do something stupid (like step in buffalo shit).
9)  Locals and other tourists who wander onto the campgrounds may think you're intriguing and mysterious, but mostly distrustful and possibly insane.
10)  You MUST face yourself, one-on-one, without allies.

I found these revelations to be very eye opening (and hilarious).  And so I went on to write this, as I made my way back to San Diego:

A COUPLE OF THINGS I LEARNED WHILE CAMPING ON CATALINA ISLAND:

1)  Light your fire BEFORE you take a cold shower.
2)  When hiking or kayaking, that structure you're aiming for is nowhere as close as you think it is...  Don't get your hopes up thinking, "I'm almost there!"  You're probably not. 
3)  In a pinch, sunscreen is a decent substitute for deodorant. 
4)  Get used to not knowing what time it is.  Do everything in your own time.  The only times that matter are sun-up, sun-down and the tide change.
5)  No matter how hard the hike, how steep the climb, how rough the waves...  you can succeed.  Quiet the mind, give love and support to your body, and focus on the goal.

Evidently I didn't learn much more than that on the surface level, but I can't deny the philosophical implications of my experience.  They may not seem like big changes here in language as I have described them, but I put forth that internally, something changed. 

Quickie

Here's a quick story that I heard several years ago.  I have no idea if it is true, but it is hilarious.

An older couple who are very traditional decide to get married.  This is the second marriage for both of them, but they are both super conservative, so they've never had sex with each other.  After a very small and intimate service, they hop in his car and begin the journey to Florida for their honeymoon.  A few hours later, they arrive at the hotel, check in, and carry their luggage to the honeymoon suite.  Once upstairs, the man is so excited that he immediately throws his bride on the bed and makes sweet love to her.  When the deed is done, the man lights a cigarette and looks fondly at his bride.  "That was AMAZING," he says.  "And I could tell that you enjoyed it too!  Every time I would thrust, I felt your toes curl up."  He winks at his bride, beaming with pride.  "Don't be so cocky," the woman replies.  "You were in such a hurry, you forgot that I was wearing pantyhose."

The Story of Michelle's 25th Birthday and the Broken Face

Here is another installment from the Baby Vegas Diaries.  Enjoy!

 

The Story of Michelle’s 25^th Birthday and the Broken Face

Occurred:  June, 2013

Written:  August, 2013

This is the point in the story where I will begin, because apparently Michelle has no recollection of the events that transpired.  I was playing Jenga at a corner table with the Carrboro Ladies and a couple members of their entourage.  Every few minutes I would glance at the bar where Michelle was standing, trying to remember that it was likely that she would shortly become a danger to herself and everyone around her.  Half drunk and half distracted, I botched the Jenga game almost immediately.  Unapologetically, I skipped away from the table where the others were already constructing the tower for another game, and found a place at the bar next to Michelle, who had gotten dramatically more belligerent in the last five minutes.  She was smiling and swaying and slurring.  She let her head drop forward, arms out, swaying to the music with a glass of Maker’s in her right hand.  I checked my phone (almost 1:30 a.m.), weighed my can of PRB, about a third full, ordered a shot of Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey and asked for my tab. 

Enter Taryn: a spunky young bartender, bisexual, and a confirmed mouth rapist.  She started dancing provocatively against Michelle, who continued to smile and sway and slur and endured the impromptu bumping and grinding, if with apparent discomfort.  Spinning around, Taryn wrapped her arms around Michelle’s neck, softly said something I couldn’t hear (and was probably incoherent anyway), and pulled Michelle in for a kiss.  More accurately, she DOVE in to eat Michelle’s entire head.  Hammered, Michelle just rolled with it.  The people at the bar standing around us whooped and hollered.  Chris was laughing and pointing hysterically.  I was applauding and grinning from ear to ear.  Finally Taryn ran out of air, released Michelle and wiggled off to in search of other victims.

Michelle just leaned against the bar swaying and smiling, temporarily oblivious to anything going on around her.  I caught Chris's eye and we silently agreed that it was time to go.  I put a hand on Michelle’s shoulder.  “Ready to go Chicklet?”  I won’t embarrass Michelle further by writing any incoherent things that Michelle said the rest of that evening.  She was obviously off center, leaning back too far on her heels, and completely wasted.  We started walking towards the back door.  I walked slowly to Michelle’s left, a couple of feet behind her.  As we turned the corner of the bar, where we should have made a left toward the back door, Michelle crumpled to the right.  I had been prepared to catch her if she fell left or backward, but I wasn’t quick enough to prevent her from collapsing face first, forward and to the right.  With a surprised grunt, I turned to look at Chris and say, “Are you fucking serious?”  But before I could get a word out, Chris pointed and said, “Blood!”  The volume in the bar dropped dramatically for a split second before exploding again. 

We roughly turned Michelle over onto her back.  Blood was gushing from her nose.  It was everywhere: her chin, her clothes, on the floor of the Cellar, on her legs, her arms and hands.  With the help of about ten Cellar patrons, we hauled Michelle up on a bench along the wall and propped her up.  Someone put together a pack of ice and pushed it to Michelle’s swollen nose.  I took Chris’s phone and went outside to call Tony.  “Chris, what’s up?” Tony’s jovial voice said through the phone. 

“Hey man, this is Seth.  Chris and Michelle and I are at The Cellar.  Michelle just fell and crushed her nose.  Are you busy, can you give us a ride?”

About a minute and half later, Tony’s cab arrived at the back door to the Cellar.  This time, we carried Michelle between the two of us.  Tony eased Michelle into the front passenger seat.  “I’m sorry for bleeding in your cab,” Michelle groaned happily.  “It’s alright,” Tony responded.  “It’s not like this has never happened before.”

Back at Baby Vegas, Chris and I got to see Michelle in full light for the first time.  She was smeared with blood from head to toe.  Once we got inside the house, any assistance we were getting from Michelle abruptly stopped.  She went from belligerent and smiley and animated to unconscious and dead weight the minute we walked through the front door.  Eventually we got her cleaned up and tucked into bed.

The following afternoon, Chris and I were nursing our hangovers and watching television.  At approximately 2 pm, Chris received the following text from Michelle:  “Why am I bleeding?”

A Little Psychology, a Little Spirituality, and a Pretty Amusing Story About Me Driving Into a Ditch

I hope that everyone enjoyed the snow this week.  As I began writing this post, I had intended to only write a short anecdote about my adventures in the inclement weather, but I got on a roll and before I knew it, I had several paragraphs about psychology and spirituality.  I considered breaking them up into two different posts, but I sort of like them together.  I welcome the opinions of any readers about whether they belong together or should be separated.

I met with one of my mentors in Chapel Hill early this week, and in anticipation of this meeting, I had prepared a couple of topics that I was struggling with: impatience, anxiety, and maintaining positive energy while interacting with people who are exuding negative energy.  It was a great conversation, one that left me feeling peaceful, empowered and centered.  As it turns out (and of which I was certainly aware on a subconscious level), all three issues are linked to one particular fear:  I can not allow myself to fully trust the waking up process. 

My ego will not easily let go of the fears that this process is complete bullshit.  It causes impatience because internally I want to prove my ego wrong!  "Why isn't the process going any faster?!  Could the ego be correct: none of this real?  Am I just delusional?"  The anxiety comes when I do actually experience a revelation.  The ego says, "That's not really real!  Now you're just one step closer to the loony bin!" or sometimes, "Beware that if you continue with these shenanigans, you will grow too powerful, and power has never brought anything except destruction and despair."  All false beliefs I know.  Both impatience and anxiety are two very important reasons that I am so often affected by other people's negative energy.  I am very sensitive to the energies of others, and I'll absorb it like a sponge.  Why?  Because I am still learning to be centered in my own reality and existence.  The complex dynamics of interactions with others, compounded by the fact that most people are completely unaware as to how their energies effect other people, triggers my anxiety and impatience, and I suddenly find myself not so strong and centered.  In some of the worst circumstances, I might completely lose my footing and temporarily forget everything I have learned, sucked into short sighted realities and adopting programming that has no business in my psyche.

Earlier in my life I would turn my nose up at the prospect of fate and cosmic powers involved in my destiny.  I didn't want to believe that there were forces beyond my understanding and control.  I wanted to believe that reality was cut and dry: if it couldn't be perceived or explained using five senses, it was simply my imagination, or a fantasy invented by someone mentally disturbed, or by religion as means to control the masses, etc.

And then I woke up.  I discovered that there are indeed greater forces in the world that operate outside of my normal, three dimensional perception (that realization in and of itself is long story).  An extremist to the end I temporarily adopted the opposite perspective, that the process of figuring out who I am and my purpose required relinquishing a great deal of control over my own life.  Let the universe take charge and blow me towards my destiny and the heart of my desires!  This new perspective was profoundly helpful for learning to live in the moment, breaking away from routines and clearing out old programming.  But it didn't take long to realize that if I simply let the universe blow me along I was relinquishing my free will and giving over my power to a force that may not have in mind the interests of my true self.  I could go on and on about the concept of human beings giving their power away and enslaving themselves energetically to other people, ideas or authorities, but if I do that in this post, most of you will give up reading before you ever get to the anecdote.  So lets move on.

Back to the conversation with my mentor.  My struggle with trusting the process is rooted in a lack of balance.  Forge my own path or trust the universe?  The answer: take no experience for granted, but use my own discernment to choose each course of action.  My mentor offered this piece of wisdom:  "Every encounter, every interaction, every experience is significant.  Everything that happens to you is an opportunity to find guidance on your path."  With that clear and positive perspective, I went on to have a lovely evening and spent some time reading "The Celestine Prophesies" by James Redfield before I fell asleep.  If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it based on it's concepts and ideas.  Truthfully the story is unbelievable and the writing is not so great, but the ideas woven in about the evolutionary direction of mankind resonated with me deeply.  The wisdom the book contains fits nicely with the ideas of my other favorite spiritually inspired authors like Paulo Coelho and Carlos Castaneda.  If you have read "The Celestine Prophesies," you might understand how some of the ideas conveyed in the book correspond with the topics I wanted to discuss with my mentor.  I found the parallels between the ideas in the book and the clear messages I received in our conversation to be mind-numbingly coincidental... ironic since the my mentor's advice and the book both clearly stated that all coincidences are significant.

So I woke up the following morning refreshed, invigorated and ready to apply everything I had learned the day before.  My plan was to drive to King, NC and spend a few days at my dad's house.  However, consistent with other weather related events this January, North Carolina received a pretty substantial amount of snow.  My little light weight truck is hardly the ideal vehicle for this sort of weather, and rather than risk a long drive through the winding, snowy roads of the rural Winston Salem township, I opted to take refuge at my mother's in Johnston County.  To get to the community of Archer Lodge from Durham, one must drive only three main roads: I-540 E, I-64 E, and Smithfield Road.  I had no trouble at all on the highways, but Smithfield road was covered with at least two inches of dirty snow, ice and slush.  Alert and tense, I slowly rolled down the snow covered road.  As I passed a gas station on the left, I had a sudden urge to pull in and collect myself before continuing.  But there was a steady flow of slow moving traffic on both sides of the treacherous rode, and I quickly decided that pulling off was a fair more hazardous course of action than continuing on.  Approximately two minutes later, I was accelerating in order to pick up some momentum to climb a hill, when I lost control of the back end of the truck and slid rather gracefully into the ditch across the road.  Thankfully traffic had thinned out and I wasn't even remotely close to putting anyone else in danger.  Also fortunately, I was traveling at a mere 20 miles per hour, so the trip into the ditch was rather anticlimactic.  The entire experience occurred so quickly and so gently that as soon as I came to a complete stop, my only reaction was to sigh deeply and mutter, "Well, shit."

In the past, my initial reaction to a situation like this would have likely started a dramatic inner dialog that may have gone something like this: "Well, now look what's happened, you idiot!  Your dumbass didn't have any business driving around in conditions like this!  What the hell did you think would happen?  Why didn't you turn into the gas station when you had the chance?  When you fuck up, you go all the way, don't you?!"  Instead, this is how the inner dialog played out:  "Well, shit.  The truck is in the ditch.  I'm okay?  I'm okay!  Nothing is hurt.  I can calm down, there is no need to go into survival mode [this is a conscious trigger than I use to counteract anxiety: if I can reassure my body that I am not in a survival situation, and that there's no need for my brain to dump into my body the hormonal cocktail that it would need for a fight or flight situation, I can keep a better control on my anxiety levels; quite a cool thing].  My truck is in the ditch.  Why am I having this experience?"  And then a seed of doubt:  "You should have pulled into the gas station when you had the chance!"  But then a thought of clarity, "No, this was an accident, but not a mistake.  If I'd tried to pull into the gas station, I might have hit someone else instead.  Or likely I would have ended up in the ditch anyway."  Satisfied that this was nothing to beat myself up over, I allowed my normal, problem-solving operating system to take over:  "Now what?"  I didn't have to wait long. 

I had barely had an opportunity to call my mother who lives about five miles from my crash site, and to think through the possibility of walking back to the gas station, when a kind face appeared from a passing truck.  "You need help, bro?" said a serious, Latino fellow.  I was embarrassed to say the least, but, still on a spiritual high from the day before, I was open to all kinds of possibilities.  I explained my situation:  "I'm pretty stuck man.  I have someone coming to pick me up, so I think I'm just gonna leave her here..." 

In a friendly, but very "alpha-male" kind of way, he proceeded to explain to me that if my truck bed was properly weighted, how I might avoid such an accident in the future.  It took everything I had in me to avoid becoming defensive:  "I know, yes, you're right, I see that now, smile and nod, thank you so much, where did you come from, you wise gentleman..." 

A moment later, another gentleman, a legitimate Johnston County good ole boy, arrived on the scene in heavy duty truck.  "Are we out having some fun today or what?!"  This guy was full of enthusiasm, and gave off very positive vibes. 

"I'm having SOME kind of fun!" I responded with as much enthusiasm I as I could muster.  Holy shit!  I went into the ditch, and within just a few minutes, there were not one, but TWO guys graciously helping me out...in a place that I consider No Man's Land...  The implications were strong, and I did not ignore them.  "Want me to drag you out?" says the friendly redneck.  Well, shit, why the hell not, I thought.  "Why the hell not," I heard myself say.  The following half hour can only be described as hilarious. 

After the first ten minutes of trying to pull the truck from the ditch with out any success, I was ready to give up, collect my stuff and walk to the gas station to wait for Mom.  "I don't know, man..."  I said.  "I don't think she's coming out." 

"We're going to get her out of there," the good ole boy said confidently.  "Positive thinking!  Visualize it!  We can do this!"  Taken aback by his positivity and confidence, I involuntarily laughed.  "Well, I certainly can't argue with that," I said softly to myself with a grin, and jumped back into the truck to give it another go.

In the end, the guy dragged my truck over one hundred feet through the ditch to a place where the terrain flattened out and I was able to gently drive in reverse back onto the road.  "I can't thank you guys enough," I sincerely told them as I shook their hands and tried to energetically convey all the gratitude I felt for their unconditional kindness.  "No problem!" said the cheerful good ole boy.  "That was so much fun!  That's the first time I've ever pulled somebody out of the ditch!  You have yourself a great day!" 

An hour later I was safely at my mother's house, contemplating the meaning of the experience I had just had.  Was it a test to see if I could stay centered and in control when faced with an embarrassing dilemma?  Or an opportunity to show myself that I do possess the necessary tools to handle these types of situations with grace and positivity?  Was the universe trying to show me that my judgmental attitude towards Johnston County and its inhabitants is unfounded and petty?  Was the message about "positive thinking," as my redneck savior verbally suggested?  Or was the experience even about me?  Could it have been that the experience was more significant for the guys that helped me out?  In the end I had to admit that any specific reasons for the experience eluded me, but that if I can learn to trust the process, I may one day understand.

Later that afternoon I texted Sarah and Rachel to give them a short recap of what had happened.  Sarah and I exchange books regularly, so I also wanted to give her my review of "The Celestine Prophesies."  Her response?  "I just bought that book yesterday!"  Well, shit.  Of course you did.  :)